Growing up, I firmly believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that my happiness rested solely upon achieving two things: being thin, and having financial security.
Growing up very poor, I really couldn’t conceive of ever being rich, but I just wanted to have enough money to not have to worry about it constantly. I wanted to be able to go to the grocery store two days before pay day and be able to buy as much food as I wanted, without having to worry about whether my paycheck was going to hit my bank account before the check I wrote to the grocery store cleared. Stupid things like that was what I wanted.
As I got older and got a job and became self-sufficient, I realized I really needed more than that, I needed to have a cash reserve of a certain amount in order to feel financially ’safe’, so I could finally, finally, stop worrying about money every day of my life.
I also wanted to be thin. Thin like the girls in my high school who had no body fat on them at all. Even though looking back at myself at the time, I would now kill to look how I did then, I still had the worst body image ever.
So those two thoughts constantly consumed my daily life, and I reasoned if I could just stop thinking about them, my life would become exponentially more enjoyable.
It really was oppressive.
Now, I still do not have as much cash in the bank as I’d like, but it’s better. And I am by no means thin or in fantastic shape, but a couple of weeks ago I had a sudden revelation. It had quietly snuck up on me, but one day it hit me and I realized, I am happy.
How did I manage to get happy without achieving the two things that have weighed me down all these years?
Well, it’s not just getting older and more rational. Because 6 months ago I still was not happy.
But then, 6 months ago, I didn’t know Aaron.
Now, I’m not going so far as to say that my happiness now rests solely upon the fact that I have Aaron in my life, because that would be crazy co-dependent and insane.
He makes me incredibly, unbelievably, mind-blowingly happy, this is true.
But more than that, something about him and being with him has given me the ability to be happy even though I haven’t achieved the two things I swore were the only things that could ever make me truly happy.
I know I’m not in the best shape as I could be, but I no longer hate myself for that. I am constantly striving to improve, and that is enough. I can look at myself now and see good things, not just the bad things.
He supported me and gave me confidence to apply for new jobs, and I got one, and that will contribute greatly to the money issue. I don’t worry so much about it now. I also have a financial planner, so I feel like my retirement is in somewhat safe hands.
So it’s not that he is the source of my happiness, but he enables me to be happy on my own.
Which makes it even better when I’m happy just because I’m with him, it’s like a double dose of happiness. Happy on my own, and then insanely happy with him.
I don’t know if that will actually make sense to anyone but me.
But I felt like it should be said.