tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

Beautiful Man
by Lori McKenna

Well I should have told you I sold my soul to an angel
I should have told you this world is not my own
I should have wrapped you, wrapped you like a present
I should have gotten to you before you were grown

I should have whispered in your ear when you were lonely
I should have taken you, taken you by the hand
I should have told you you are, you are worthy
I should have shown you, you are, you are a beautiful man

I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful man

I should have told you I would be difficult
I should have shown you the scars on my soul
I should have told you I wanted you to take care of me
Without allowing you any of my control

And I want to save you from myself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man

I should have told you I was not good enough for you
I should have whispered I am unkind

I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from myself
I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful . . .
. . . save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from yourself
And I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful man
For my beautiful man

So I was browsing for recipes today, looking for chicken recipes for tonight.

I filtered by ingredient first, choosing Poultry.

After choosing the ingredient you can search by meal type — appetizer, main course, dessert, etc.

I saw 85 listings for main course.

And one listing for Beverage/Non-Alcoholic.

WTF?? A chicken drink?!?

Luckily, it was just miscategorized — when I looked at it, it was chicken soup.

But I still feel a little nauseous. It reminds me of my old tennis teacher who thought that one song that says ‘like a chick-a cherry cola’ or whatever sounded like ‘chicken cherry cola’. Imagine taking a cherry cola and putting it in a blender with raw chicken and blending it up, then drinking it.

So gross.

Yes, since he put that image in my head and it’s STILL here 10 years later, now you get to have it too.

Maybe exorcizing my demons in a public forum will rid me of them forever.

This is nothing new, no, no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed

~Damien Rice (Volcano)

It’s somewhat comforting to know my mother is not the only one like this.

I got a message from a woman asking for information on my condo I am renting. So I called her back, and she said she was actually asking for information for her daughter. I told her that the condo was already rented, thinking that would end the conversation.

No.

She asked if any other units are available in my building. I guess I was in a good mood since I continued to talk to her and told her the names of some other buildings in the area which might have apartments available.

She proceeded to tell me how the oldest daughter, Elizabeth or something, lives in Adams Morgan and the younger daughter (forgot her name) was going to move in there but her roommate needed a car because she works in McLean. And on and on about their lives! I guess it’s my own fault for feigning interest.

But I just thought it was funny, and oh so like my own mother, for her to tell me, a complete stranger whose number she found in the newspaper, all about her children and their lives and where they work. She told me this is her youngest daughter’s first real job because before she was lazy and just did easy summer jobs. What?! Don’t tell strangers about your children’s lives! My mother *always* does this — tells private details about my and my siblings lives to random strangers. That’s not ok!

Sheesh.

So location is everything, right? Which is why, everytime I tell ANYONE — the guy at the DMV, a lady in the elevator in my condo, etc — where I have moved to, they give me a pitiful smile and wish me luck. The lady in the elevator told me it would be hard moving so far out after having been used to having everything at my fingertips.

Which is true in theory. But in reality, it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with.

And I swear, I could live on Antarctica with Aaron and be deliriously happy.

Apparently my new work nickname is Trigger. Now, usually I am the one doling out nicknames. Perhaps not ‘doling’ so much as refusing to call someone by any other name than the one I think they should have. And eventually, everyone starts using the nicknames. Oracle, Furious, Feisty, Sour, etc.

The only nickname I have had at work is Hooch, christened by the Chaes. That one hasn’t caught on so much with anyone else, oddly enough.

Anyway Feisty and Dairy Queen were in our office talking about Nemesis and how he was spouting off some nonsense about what we allegedly were demanding of his team. I said, quite calmly, “Well, perhaps he should think before he speaks next time,” and Dairy Queen was all shocked and said, “Wow, easy, Trigger!” to which Austin countered with, “That WAS her being nice! You should hear her when she’s angry.” And then Feisty got all excited, yelling, “Is that her nickname? Trigger?! Yes! I love it!”

(Not as in the horse, as Austin thought, but like a trigger on a gun.)

I don’t know. I doubt it will catch on.

So Aaron bought a new bike, which is beautiful. You can read all about it on his blog, which I’ve linked to.

Now I have New Toy Envy I totally want a bike.

So he took me out for a short, very hot, ride yesterday. Man, was it fun! At first I felt like I was going to fall off on every bump of the road. And we passed the Temple where Anoopa’s memorial service was held and I thought how less safe I was on a bike than she was in her Volvo. That was very sobering.

But, I did feel very safe knowing Aaron was in control. I also didn’t realize you could hold hands while riding That was awesome. Taking the exit ramp was my favorite part though. Wheeeeee!!

I’m glad I have more of an insight to why he loves riding so much.

I have shut the door to my office, since Austin isn’t here, and I’m listening to songs on repeat and trying to do work. In this mood I am completely unforgiving and I’m sure the other team hates me now since I am destroying their work. I feel like I am grading papers.

Am I depressed? Every day sucks now. I don’t want to play golf, tennis, write, read…I just want to listen to music.

I guess leaving arguments over IM unfinished doesn’t help either.

Rachel Yamagata is my new fascination. Can’t stop listening to her music. “Worn Me Down” (lyrics to be posted below) is my addiction of the moment. And the lyrics reminded me of a discussion I had with some friends a while back, about our boyfriend’s exes, and how they reflect on us.

Sort of, if he could have gone out with HER, what does that say about ME? Obviously, we have no love for these exes and put ourselves on a different level than them (and the boy must as well since he’s with us and not them anymore) and for him to be able to date HER for such a long time, does that mean we are on the same tier as her? We would like to think he suddenly raised his standards and now she is out of the picture but we are in.

I feel like I’m not being clear.

How could he have been in love with her, and now he’s in love with me? Does he fall in love that easily, since she won his heart? If that’s true, what’s to say I’m special, and that he fell in love with me for a good reason, when obviously he seems to be able to be in love with anyone. Maybe that’s overly dramatic. But I remember discussing it, so thought I’d share. Wonder if we are the only ones who have these thoughts?

Here’s the song.

Worn Me Down
by Rachel Yamagata

Gone, she’s gone
How do you feel about it
That’s what I thought
You’re real torn up about it
And I wish you the best
But I could do without it
And I will, because you’ve worn me down
Oh, I will, because you’ve worn me down

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can’t stop thinking about her
No, you can’t stop thinking about her

And you’re wrong, you’re wrong
I’m not overreacting
Something is off
Why don’t we ever believe ourselves
And I, oh, I feel that word for you
And I will, because you’ve worn me down
Oh, I will because you have worn me down

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can’t stop thinking about her
No, you can’t stop thinking about her

She’s so pretty; she’s so damn right
But I’m so tired of thinking
About her tonight

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can’t stop thinking about her
No, you can’t stop thinking about her

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told to me to do
But you, you can’t stop thinking about her
No, you can’t stop thinking about her
No, you can’t stop thinking about her
No, you can’t stop thinking about her

I have been in a chronic bad mood for I guess at least a week now. I guess it’s a combination of things — mostly stress trying to find a renter, some issues with friends, and work, since I am essentially a team of One doing all the work. It’s a touch overwhelming. It’s so bad that I can’t even be saved by music, which is usually what brings me to a level of contentment. But the last few times I have been at the gym, I have skipped through all the songs in my usual playlist because I didn’t want to hear any of them. I didn’t want to hear a sad song, not an angry song, certainly not a happy song…none of them hit the spot. Even my old stand-bys failed me. It’s incredibly frustrating, to not be able to find one song that suits your mood and makes you feel better.

So that’s how bad it has been, on a daily basis.

There is only one thing that makes me feel happy, but beyond happy, content, whole, human, ecstatic, safe, warm…and that’s Aaron. He’s like this magic cure-all drug to me. Everything else in the world melts away when he looks at me. I feel like I finally found home again when I am with him.

And isn’t that what we are all always looking for, home? Maybe not everyone. But I have always felt that ever since I left home, I have been trying to find my way back there in some shape or form.

And I’ve finally found it.