tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

Those last few days with Breve were pretty hard, because I was so acutely aware of everything being the last – the last time we would walk him, the last breakfast, the last ride in the car, the last goodbye.

It was actually pretty excruciating for me.

I do not do well with endings. I still really miss him.

And I learned that knowing when the end is going to come still really sucks.

Although being surprised by endings also really sucks.

So I guess there’s a theme here…

We’re heading home to my roots this weekend. Ostensibly the trip is to see friends I haven’t seen in a while, and I picked the weekend we are going because a good friend from high school will be back in town then too.

But I would have gone back for a night, even just for a day, to visit my dad at the cemetery. We fought to get him buried in the cemetery closer to our house rather than the one downtown where his mother is buried.

And now none of us live there anymore.

Sad.

I always wish that I had heard what my brother was trying to tell me that sophomore year in college, when he said Daddy was getting sick. But I didn’t put the pieces together, and he passed away before I could say goodbye. I don’t even know the last thing I said to him, or how long it had been since I had last called him, or heard his gravelly voice.

And that kills me.

But really, I wonder what I would have said, if I had had the chance. He certainly was not emotional or effusive. He always sort of begrudgingly accepted hugs or displays of affection. Realistically if I had tried to tell him that I loved him, that he was a great father, that I learned so much from him – he would have patted my back and said, “Ok, Shell, alright, alright,” and refilled his tea.

I think he was proud of me. I know he was happy that I got a full ride and he didn’t have to worry about how I would pay for college (although he really wanted me to go to MIT…but not having a lot of debt was much more important). I think he knew how much I loved him, or else he wouldn’t have had to spend so much time shooing me away from him when I tried to hug him in the middle of the sweltering Chicago summer when we had no air conditioning.

I guess sometimes you don’t need to have ‘last’ words. All the other words count just as much.

If my dad were around today, I would have made him a pot of tea, heavy on the rum. I would have given him a bottle of Harvey’s Bristol Cream (and he would have finished it by dinner time). I would have kissed him on the cheek and told him I love him. He probably would have rolled his eyes…but he would have smiled.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. I love you.

It seems like summer weekends are always planned out far in advance and we never have enough time to do everything we want to. But we finally made it back down to VA Beach to visit with our cousins. We headed out Thursday night to avoid traffic, and woke up to a glorious Friday morning. Illy wouldn’t let us sleep in since she heard the other dogs downstairs, so it was up at 6 to take her for a walk. I took a short jog and by the time I came back, Dee was ready to head to the beach with Archie and Oscar, whom she was dogsitting. So Illy and I decided to tag along and we had a lovely walk on the beach.

The weather could not have been more perfect all weekend. It was a little muggy, but nothing a dip in the pool couldn’t solve.

(This is from Saturday but there was too much talking and not enough pictures, so here:)

Aaron and I had lunch at Bubba’s, which was divine as usual, and then I did nothing but relax all day. It was perfect.

Saturday was much the same, except this time Aaron joined us and our hour walk on the beach turned into two hours. Illy was completely exhausted by the time we finally got home, which was great since we wanted to try taking her leash off to see if she would run away or stay near us. (The house is on a peninsula and she hates water so she couldn’t go far, but she didn’t know that).

And she did great!! Of course it helped that we had sausage for her when she came to us when we called, but she did come when called. We even let her walk down the driveway and she stayed near us the whole time. That was as much as we were willing to try with her, but it was very encouraging. Now to find bigger fenced areas where we can try again.

Then it was time for jet skis:

Archie goes CRAZY to get on a jet ski, so Dee took him out:

We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting and enjoying the beautiful sunset.

We couldn’t have asked for a better weekend.

Our gracious hosts:

Hopefully we will make it back down in August, when everyone’s schedules clear up!

The question of the year for us is: Where do we want to live? And beyond that, what kind of home do we want to have?

We both sort of don’t mind where we live now, but it’s definitely not our ideal utopia. Of course, we don’t know where that would be either.

I know I want to live somewhere with seasons. I need them all. This sort of puts the nail in the coffin of ever living near any of my immediate family ever again, but I guess I knew that already, even without the seasons.

I don’t want to be anywhere flat, like southern Illinois. I would like to be within driving distance of snowboarding mountains. Aaron likes water, as in lakes. I like the ocean, but I don’t know that I need to live near the ocean. But I know Aaron would love to live on a lake. Or at least have a vacation home on one.

So lakes, mountains, and seasons.

Beyond the geographic, there’s the usual: have jobs in our field, improved commute time from what it is now, lower cost of living, good school systems, safe…

And it seems like there’s really nothing in this country that fits that bill.

It’s those damn seasons that get you.

We’ve also been talking and decided we would prefer a lot of land, a good sized garage Aaron can work in, and not a huge house. McMansions look so impressive and sound so nice, but I really prefer a cozier home, and one that’s easier to clean. I don’t like to rattle around in places with bad acoustics, and buy furniture just to fill up a room. I grew up in a one floor, 3 (small) bed, one (small) bath house for 5 of us. It was warm, it was messy, it was crowded, but it was cozy and it was home. I like that feeling. I would rather have a few acres and a smaller house than a huge house with inches between us and the neighbors.

Yeah, so….I don’t know.

A white Christmas, finally. And what a Christmas it was, complete with a visit from Santa Kelly. Bur first, the stockings.  All the frantic knitting paid off. Just about everything fit:

Buddy loved the presents under the tree. The wrapping made such a delightful crackling sound as he pawed back and forth all over them.

I do love stuffed animals.

Happy with his gifts.

After stockings, before presents, we took Illy for a walk.

I didn’t get a picture of Santa Kelly, but she arrived midday with Aaron’s big present, a ridiculous 25″ monitor I had shipped to her house so he wouldn’t be tipped off. Thanks for the hand-delivery, Kelly!

After presents galore, Aaron’s dad came over, with Casey.

Lunch/dinner was cornish hens with roasted vegetables and cornbread, with banana pudding for dessert. A family favorite, apparently.

My big gift was the Breville BES820XL – espresso from heaven.

Ignore the fingerprints, please.

I hope you and yours also had a very merry, holly jolly.

Well for once the weatherman was right. I was sort of annoyed, since I had planned a nice afternoon of knitting, movies, and festive holiday cocktails with a few friends. And of course the 2 feet of snow put an end to that. However all was not lost, since I do love snow and we had a fun time playing in it. Surprisingly, Illy loved leaping through the snow drifts. She hates water, but I guess snow is more fun.

This was our family walk Saturday morning. Aaron’s wearing the first scarf I ever knit for him.

Leaping dog leaps!

It was coming down heavy all day.

Practically a white out. You can barely see the other dogs and their owners in the back of the shot.

Illy with her boyfriend Ralph.

Just chillin’

Belly deep snow!

It finally stopped snowing. We didn’t measure what was on the table but suffice to say, it’s the most we’ve seen here in ages.

The door on the deck wouldn’t open because of the drift, so we had to let her out through the basement. She bravely forged a trail.

And here are the cookies I made for the neighbors and the knitting party. The neighbors did get theirs, at least!

Mummy came to visit this weekend, arriving Friday night and leaving Monday night. Unfortunately it was cold and rainy for most of her trip, but I guess at least it was a change from the Phoenix sun!

We took her out to dinner at Bellissimo on Friday night, our favorite Italian place in Fairfax.

And we relaxed with some wine.

On Saturday we drove down to Richmond, which is the halfway point between us and Virginia Beach, where our cousins live. Christopher and Dee met up with us at Can Can for a nice French lunch. Archie even came up to say hi.

It was a nice little reunion.

The rain had stopped by Sunday. We went to brunch at Red Fox Inn in Middleburg, and then went wine tasting at Three Fox Winery.

We came home with a bottle of their chardonnay, which Aaron loves (me too).

Misty was very happy to have Mummy in town.

I almost slipped her into Mummy’s carry-on before she left.

On Monday we took Illy for a short hike where she found lots of squirrels to chase.

We did some shopping and that was it! A nice relaxing weekend.

There was a time when I remembered everything. Every stupid little thing. I remembered what campus apartment I partied in that night before I found out, his last night. But now…I remember it was Ben’s apartment, and it started with a 4, but I don’t remember the exact number anymore. But I guess what you remember is more important than what you forget, right?

I remember getting an Egg McMuffin and an orange drink (not juice) on the way to Virginia Beach the next morning.

I remember opening the door to the beach house to the sound of a phone ringing, and ringing, and ringing. Who doesn’t have an answering machine? But this house didn’t. And the caller wouldn’t hang up. As it turns out, she couldn’t hang up. That damn phone was ringing when we pulled in the driveway, ringing when we opened the front door, and kept ringing and ringing while we discussed whether or not we should answer it, until Elaine finally did. It wasn’t our house, you see, and no one was supposed to know we were there.

Sometimes I still can’t stand the sound of a phone ringing.

And then.

I remember being told to sit down. I was.

I remember crying. And hugging. But mostly crying. The numbness, and the crying.

I remember missing my flight the next morning. But getting on the next one.

I remember my mom hugging me when she picked me up at O’Hare.

I remember the funeral parlor. Arguing over cremation or burial. Which cemetery.

I remember my mom’s friend owned the funeral parlor, getting a deal on the cheapest coffin, and buying the neighboring plot as well.

I remember laying my hand on his clasped hands. They were so cold. Mottled with liver spots, skin so thin. And so, so cold.

I remember slipping a letter into the coffin. Snipping a lock of hair when no one was looking. Kissing his forehead.

I remember standing with my arms around my brother and sister, all of us quietly sniffling, not much more to say.

I remember giving a eulogy. I didn’t cry. I talked about tomatoes and crossing guard duty and tennis. More people than I expected filled the church.

I remember Sadaf coming up to give me hug during the service.

I remember walking back down the aisle of the church and seeing Mr. Bulak in the crowd. How did he know to come?

I remember an empty house. An achingly empty house. So quiet. It would never be the same.

I remember writing a song, the only one I’ve ever written.

I remember crying myself to sleep every night for a year.

I remember trying to do anything that would make me feel something stronger than the unbearable sadness of a broken heart.

But most of all, I remember my dad. His voice, his gestures, his terrible jokes, his funny sayings, the way he was ambidextrous at tennis and served better left handed…of course that was because after he broke his right wrist while on crossing guard duty, it never healed right. The way he would come inside out of the Chicago winter cold and say, “You wanna know how cold it is outside?” and present his cheek so I could kiss it and see just how cold it was.

All of this, I remember.

Aaron and I spent four wonderful days in Texas visiting my sister and her husband. We flew into Houston and then drove straight out to their lake house, which is sort of in between Austin and San Antonio. It’s a little piece of heaven. They have a gorgeous Tuscan style house with an amazing view of the lake. And they just bought a boat!

Here we are after our long day of travel.

My sister, Krista:

I just love the stone on their house.

We both look like our mothers, but I suppose there is a little family resemblance?

Lest you forget we are in Texas…

On Saturday we took the boat out – the weather was perfect. Not too hot but nice and sunny.

I actually got in the water!

Aaron was a little more excited about swimming in the lake.

Such a relaxing day.

This will probably be the most tan we get this summer.

I cropped this poorly – she is wearing her bikini…

We ended up hitting a stump with the propeller which cracked and bent it, so we didn’t get to ride the tube and had to head in early. But Aaron and I were starting to feel the sun a bit too much so we were happy with that. After a siesta we headed out to dinner.

Sunday we decided not to take the boat out. Aaron and I tried out their mountain bikes for a little but around their neighborhood, said Hi to a few deer, and then we headed back to Houston. We arrived home to a leaky pipe which came through the ceiling and soaked the hardwoods. Not fun.

Martin replaced the pipe and we hit up some tex mex and margaritas – good comfort food.

We flew home Monday. And we can’t wait to go back and try out the tube!

We just spent 5 days in Denver to visit Aaron’s sister, Amelia, and her family. We had a really great trip – Amelia is showcasing her photography in a gallery in the Denver art district, which was the main reason, or excuse for the trip.

We started out with gorgeous weather – 70 degrees and bright blue skies. We tried to take a hike up near Eldora, but the road to the trail head was blocked by a snowpile. I wasn’t too upset about that since around 8k feet, I started feeling a little nauseous from the altitude. We settled for a photo op instead.

We walked around Nederland a bit, and then headed into Boulder for lunch. We ate at The Med which was delicious.

We also met up with our friend Becky, who moved out to Boulder last year (I think). It was great to catch up with her – and we even scored a free cupcake at the coffee shop!

It started to get a little colder and greyer over the weekend. We stopped by the art gallery to check out Amelia’s displays, which looked awesome. My friend Tara had just moved to Denver three weeks ago, and she was able to stop by and grab a cup of coffee with us so we could catch up.

We broke out the poker set on Saturday after dinner and clearly had a good time:

We went out for breakfast on Sunday and met up with yet more friends of mine who have moved to Denver – Kerri and Ryan. I think I know more people in Denver than I do in DC at this point!

We didn’t do much on Sunday but relax. On Monday we woke up to snow!

Amelia chauffeured us around so we could check out some neighborhoods and see if we could find a place we would like to move to. We found a few cute areas that I could see us living in. Aaron still needs some convincing, but it’s sort of a moot point since we can’t sell our house in this real estate market anway.

While we were off cruising the neighborhoods, Joe was slaving away making a huge brisket for dinner. This is half of it:

It was sooooo good. I was sad to leave the leftovers behind! But  we will be getting the rub recipe from Amelia, at least.

It was a great trip – we got to spend time with family and friends, eat well, and do a lot of relaxing.